*A note on pronouns: If I’m unclear of anyone’s gender in the conversation, I’ll default to they/them pronouns.*
Dear Love Psychic: My question is how can you support your partner in a healthy way when they’re going through a lot and are only just learning how to help themselves through it. Especially very emotionally heavy experiences.
Dear Eager To Heal:
When I psychically look at the dynamic between the two of you, it looks like you are running alongside a runner on the sidelines of their race—it’s sweet that you’re offering the runner a sandwich and encouraging words, but it’s also distracting them and showing them that you don’t think they can run the race without you. I can see their struggle with this dynamic—they see how supportive you’re being, but they can only run as fast as they can run.
Have you ever been in a situation where you were being told that you need to change the way you’re approaching your own problem? This would be invalidating, and it would most likely make you feel like the way you are, and the way you cope with your life is wrong. The key in this situation is to focus more on you and less on your partner. Model the happiness, wholeness, love, and joy you want to see in your partner—this can be more inspiring than anything else you’re trying to do for them (think role model vs. coach).
We have two basic tenets around helping or healing others at the BPI
- Always ask someone if they want a healing. Never heal anyone if you do no have their consent.
- Always heal yourself before healing others. As they say on a plane, “Put your own oxygen mask on before helping others.”
Going forward, it looks like you need to acknowledge your role in the situation—have you perhaps labeled them as needing help when maybe they don’t think they need help or maybe they are unable to see that they need to make some changes? Have you burdened yourself with the task of fixing or saving them? Have you asked them what would be most helpful from you? Are they able to communicate their needs to you? If they say no thank you to your help, or cannot articulate what they need, or you are not willing or able to give them what they need, it’s time to back off and focus on your own self-care.
How can you support yourself right now?
Three has a unique perspective as a psychic and as someone who’s married with two kids, a member of the Queer community, and polyamorous. Finding new ways to create space for more love, community, and connection is her passion. Submit your love and relationship question to: firstname.lastname@example.org