Humans need quality connections with other humans. We really only need a few “ride-or-dies,” plus maybe a handful of additional people in our lives to feel a sense of love and belonging. So why then, in this big ol’ world of 8 billion people, can it be so hard to connect with a lover or bestie?!
Many factors contribute to this phenomenon—our phones, work-life balance, trauma, your mom….all of it. Finding your way to good habits that lead to a good connection with yourself and others starts with small steps.
If you’re having trouble finding and or forming a connection with someone that feels satisfying, there’s usually an unproductive feedback loop that is occurring. This loop can be happening whether you’re overly connecting with a ton of people, but not able to feel close to any of them, or having trouble connecting with any one person altogether.
When I’ve had trouble finding what I wanted in terms of friends and lovers, my loop would look something like this:
“I don’t have a partner, so now I’m sad and putting out an edgy poopy pants boo hoo vibe; this isolates me even more (turns out that a scarcity mindset isn’t super sexy), now I’m blaming myself (and the rest of the world for that matter)”…..repeat.
So how do you get out of The Loop when you’re lonely, and you want someone in your life in a meaningful way—and just “cheering up” hasn’t always worked for you?
Give up. Ok, but take it easy. I’m not talking about becoming a total nihilist just yet. I’m talking about giving up on all the hoping and longing that happens when you’re looking for someone. Longing for something or someone takes you out of the present and hijacks your contentment until an event, that may or may not even happen, occurs. “I’ll be happy when I meet the perfect partner—then I’ll be legitimate, and my life will start!” When I think like this, I abandon myself and my current life, and I exist in an imaginary version of myself. This creates loneliness. (Side note: being alone doesn’t make one feel lonely. Loneliness is an emotional response to being disconnected from yourself and, therefore, others).
When I’m disconnected from myself, I can’t connect with other people, and they can’t connect with me in a healthy way.
Even if I were on a date with someone, I wouldn’t mentally be in the room with that person—I’d be off and running into the future (an imaginary place that doesn’t exist), cooking up all kinds of scenarios for the two of us there.
When I stopped longing for someone who didn’t exist, I could be more present in my actual life (where, incidentally, I ended up finding all the love and romance I needed).
Cultivate your current love life—with yourself. The degree to which we can connect with ourselves and our own body is the degree to which we can connect to other people and be connectable. How do you tune into your body and give it what it needs? What is your self-talk to your body like—are you speaking to yourself with kindness or judgment? The relationship with your body sets the tone for all of your other relationships.
Practice and validate small connections. If connecting with yourself and others doesn’t come naturally to you—start small!
Connecting with yourself:
Connecting with others:
Have a generous spirit. Showing up to an event, flirting, or actively listening during a conversation is a gift to others. Can you give this kind of gift without expecting anything in return?
Cozy up with risk. If your life is cluttered with too many people or dating apps, you might have to risk letting people down by saying no thank you. Or, if you’re having trouble showing up at all in social interactions, you might have to risk rejection when you ask that cute babe out for coffee. Without actual actions on your part, The Loop will keep circling.
Check your checklist. Do you have an unrealistic checklist that your future person needs to fulfill? Focus on how you want to feel within a relationship vs. specifics. “I want to feel happy, secure, compatible, and I want to be laughing a lot…etc.” Leave room for the Universe to surprise you with how the details will take shape.
Incidentally, since I started working first and foremost on my connection with myself—I enjoy being alone significantly more, and my relationships (new or existing) are more fulfilling. I no longer get sucked into The Loop over something I don’t have—which feels like freedom.
Blog written by Three Brodsky,
Three has a unique perspective as a psychic and as someone who’s married with two kids, a member of the Queer community, and polyamorous. Finding new ways to create space for more love, community, and connection is her passion.
Buckle up, Love, it’s life hack time.
Mondays, for a lot of people, are the start of the workweek and the day to sit down and look at all the week’s priorities! I am no exception. Luckily, this week, my workload is relatively light.
Last week, though, WHOO! I had no idea how I was going to get anything done. All of Monday, I kept looking at my watch and wondering where all my time had gone. It felt like time was slipping through my fingers like a bad version of a Salvador Dalí painting. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a day like that, but for me it made every tiny little thing feel overwhelming. I could tell that, if I kept trying to keep up a “just hunker down and get through it” pace with no breathing room, I would soon be tipping toward a feeling of helplessness… And I did NOT want that.
So even though my week started out feeling sad and droopy like Dalí clocks, time melting away from me, I decided to do something new. After a little bit of meditating on it, I tried something a little counterintuitive to do with my time: I got stubborn about it. I put my to-do list aside and decided — no matter how much I had to do — I would NOT compromise on my me-time.
I’m an introvert which means I need a good amount of alone time to recharge. My quiet time, for the rest of the week, became my priority. For me, that looked like time to do 1 of 2 things: meditate or read. Even just being stubbornly protective of 20-minutes in my day started making me feel like time was moving differently. It wasn’t, of course: the clock didn’t tick any faster or slower because I decided to meditate. Because I reclaimed time for myself, though, (not for my to-do list) I was able to be more present. I was able to slowly, deliberately, cross items off my to-do list instead of rushing through them like a maniac. It felt like taking those droopy Dalí clocks and resetting them back to normal.
When overwhelm hits, it’s a natural reaction to try and power through our to-do lists in the hope that crossing something off the list will make things easier. We hope it will make things feel less overwhelming. In practice, though, that doesn’t work very well. No matter how hard you power through, somehow, things keep getting added to that to-do list. Plus! We can only try to “power through” the feelings of overwhelm and helplessness for so long until they catch up to us. You wouldn’t try to sprint a marathon, would you? No! So why try and speed through your to-do list?
Instead, what I’ve found to be extremely healing is to take time—even if it’s only 20 minutes a week. Heck, even if it’s only 20 minutes in a month! Just take that 20-minutes and check-in with yourself: what do you need for yourself in that 20 minutes? What’s most important for you to stubbornly protect?
Try it out this week! Take some time to sit. If you have a physical to-do list, I recommend sitting as far away from that list and your phone as you can. You can sit with a book if you’d like. You can sit with a journal or some crayons to color with. You can sit on your own with your eyes closed in meditation. Just take some time for you.
Don’t think you have some time this week? That’s ok. Block 20 minutes on your calendar for next week. Just make sure you honor that time no matter what, ok? Get stubborn about your “me” time. Reclaim time for yourself. You deserve your time and attention just as much as that to-do list does.
Blog written with love by Christina Dunlap: a Boulder Psychic Institute teacher and professional psychic. Check her out in the ‘Professional Readers’ section of our website.
COVID changed a lot. Circumstances are different. Everyone is different. You are different.
In this meditation, you’ll explore how you’ve changed and define your “new normal.” You get to choose what changes you keep. You choose what parts of your pre-COVID life you want to bring back and what you toss away.
Allow your life to be in perfect alignment with you.
P.S. If you like this style of meditation, check out our Self Healing 101 course! The first class is free.