Dear Love Psychic:

I met a Dude at a concert back at the beginning of September. He was cute, but I didn’t realize how young he was until we started texting. He lives 7 hours away from me, so our relationship’s development has been mainly through text and several phone calls. We have yet to see each other again. He was so persistent and dogged in his pursuit of me and said all the things I’ve ever wanted to hear, so I finally got worn down and gave in, totally opened my heart to him, and fell in love hard.

Then he needed help with money for a car (so he said), and after great deliberation and a talk about paying me back, I decided to take a risk and help him—to choose love. Then he ghosted me, I realized he conned me, and I totally freaked out. Then I came to and realized his presence in my life was a gift because even if it was all lies, it opened my heart, and I was able to experience my own love and share it. I know that my love is mine, and nobody can take it from me.

I also realized that I still love this Dude and want to help him have an awakening and get on a better path in life. I started reaching out to him, and we ended up reconnecting. He said he would pay me back, and we were making plans to meet halfway for a day hike soon. I have this nagging feeling that he accidentally caught feelings for me, but maybe that is wishful thinking on my part. I think he is most likely beyond my help because when I started going deep and talking about love and how I felt when he ghosted me, he went dark again. 

I definitely don’t want to date this Dude, but I care about him, have love for him, and feel that he has potential. If he could know what true love is and open his heart, he could get on a better path in life and do great things. I also wish he would send my money back to me. So that’s where I’m at – it’s been a wild ride!

Thanks for listening.

Dear Love Warrior: 

I say “warrior” because you headed straight into love with no fear and total bravery—and I respect that. Finding love is the whole damn point of all of this (picture me gesturing to everything in the cosmos). You, Dear Lady, are a lover. For sure. 

What I will say is that in addition to diving headfirst into love (which always gets my stamp of approval btw), you ALSO headed straight into a relationship with no map or compass. Thaaaaattttssss a lil different. 

Love is its own thing—relationships are a different thing. One does not necessarily equal the other. 

Unconditional love is a beautiful and powerful vibration that is within each of us. To love someone (including yourself) is to see and accept them exactly as they are. Love gives people space to be who they are and allows people to do what is best for themselves. When you are in this vibe, all kinds of cool shit happens within and around you. 

But here’s the catch—we don’t GIVE love away. Nobody owns love or has the power to take it away. (I do think when we’re vibing high on love, other people can temporarily match our vibe, but that’s different from one person giving it out like a precious gift all wrapped up in their own intentions). We HOLD our view of someone through the lens of love. That’s it—no more, no less. 

A Relationship is a project between two entities (in this case, people). Relationships exist within parameters and need agreements, boundaries, and maintenance to keep the project working and thriving. 

Granted, the parameters can be loosey-goosey or super stitched up. People can have flexible dynamics and see each other when it’s fun and easy. OR people can agree to try and spend the rest of their lives together and have contracts and boundaries around all sorts of things. #marriage

It’s up to each of us to consciously create the framework of our relationships. This takes practice. There’s a lot of misconceptions around love and relationships and what each should grant us. Unconditional love equals freedom. Relationships (done well) often equal safety—so no wonder the two don’t always play well together. 

The good news is that you already know that you can leave a relationship and that there is a learning experience in the whole deal for you. Leaving a relationship doesn’t mean you’ve failed or given up on love itself (or the other person, for that matter). It means that you’re protecting the life you want to create. 

I’m also seeing you holding a devilish fascination with the idea that love is so powerful it can literally change and fix anything. It’s like you’re staring into this orb of light you’ve found, and you’re wondering what you can do with it to OTHERS. Yes, love can facilitate healing and do amazing things to YOU, the experiencer—but it’s not a tool to use to get a desired outcome (like to try and save or fix someone).

Can you love Dude and not have a relationship with him until the two of you negotiate relationship parameters that you both like and agree to consciously? (Note that I say “the two of you”—he gets to help co-create this relationship too).

Your cosmic dance with Dude: You and Dude have so much karma together I can’t count that high. You have A LOT of outdated agreements going on from past lives you’ve shared. You were always female, he’s always male, and he’s always younger than you. Over and over again, you two are playing out the dynamic of you trying to save or redeem him. Breaking karma and clearing old agreements with someone on a soul level does not necessarily mean you never speak to them again. It means you start over as you both are today—without the energy of some other lifetime interfering with your dynamic.

P.S. If you wanna learn how to do this, come take a class at the BPI.

Do you want to continue to go along with the unspoken agreements that are playing out in your relationship with Dude?

Here are the agreements that are currently at play:

  • You’ll support him financially.
  • It’s ok for him to ignore you.
  • It’s your job to try to fix him (does he want this btw?)
  • You agree to a long-distance, mostly non-physical, relationship.

How do these agreements vibe with what you want for your life? Do you want to create a relationship or have it create you? Love isn’t the engine that shapes a healthy relationship—mutually agreed-upon standards and maintenance fuel a healthy relationship.

Now that you have more awareness around how much of your energy is being funneled into wanting to fix Dude—perhaps Dear Love Warrior, you’re being a wee bit judgemental? Does he deserve the dignity to make the changes he wants to make in his life himself? I know your intentions are loving, but you’re also unconsciously sending him the message that he’s not good enough for you as he is right now. (which is totally fair considering how he treated you, but do you want to be with someone you view as broken and in need of being fixed? Is that fair for anyone?)

In terms of a next step for you, I see you building a wall of chocolate around yourself. Yipee! You will experience a lot more healing and love when you can focus on your relationship with yourself. What kind of agreements do you need to make with others in order to maintain your own luscious relationship space? And, can you keep those agreements sacred?

I hope this helps, and take care 🙂

______

Blog written by Three Brodsky (aka King Three). Three is the BPI Love & Relationship Psychic. She has a unique perspective as a psychic and as someone who’s married with two kids, a member of the Queer community, and polyamorous. Finding new ways to create space for more love, community, and connection is her passion. 

Submit your question to: three@boulderpsychicinstitute.org 

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